Copyright Parade
Key Points Gaslighters hate anything that challenges their control. Strategies like staying calm and confident reduce gaslighting’s effectiveness, say psychologists. These tactics work because they shift the power dynamic gaslighters desperately want to control. Whether you’ve been gaslit in the past or are currently experiencing a form of gaslighting by a friend, family member, significant other or coworker, you might be wondering how to deal with a gaslighter (specifically, figuring out what gaslighters hate so that you can get under their skin). “Gaslighting is about power and control and gaslighters attempt to manipulate and distort communication to make you doubt yourself,” says Dr. Lainey Butler, PsyD, a licensed psychologist at ChangeWell Psych in Charlotte, NC. “Deep down, they are afraid to reveal their own imperfections, so they work to maintain a false narrative that they are always right and in control.” That said, if you do things that threaten a gaslighter’s sense of security—whether that’s becoming more confident or talking to others outside of them—then they’ll be uncomfortable and it’ll probably even benefit you in the long run as you loosen their grip on your life. Ahead, we spoke with psychologists about nine things gaslighters truly dislike, which you may want to keep in your back pocket for your own sake. If you haven’t been able to successfully do these things on your own before, this list might help you. But if you still feel rocky or can’t do these things yet, it’s always a good idea to reach out to a mental health provider, so they can help you live a healthier and happier life. Related: 4 Common Habits of High-Level Gaslighters, According to Psychologists What Is a ‘Gaslighter’? A gaslighter is someone who manipulates another person into doubting their own memory, perception or reality. While it’s usually intentional, it can sometimes be such an ingrained behavior that it’s not entirely on purpose—but that doesn’t take away how toxic it still is. “Oftentimes the gaslighter is aware of what they are doing, but sometimes they may engage in gaslighting behavior subconsciously,” says Dr. Shereen A. Mohsen, a clinical psychologist in San Jose, CA. “They often use various techniques, such as denial, distortion or blame-shifting to gain control in the relationship and make the other person question themselves, and this often leads the person to be more dependent on them.” 9 Things Gaslighters Hate, According to Psychologists 1. Being confronted with evidence Gaslighters thrive on denial and distortion, according to Dr. Sakshi Kapur, a psychologist at Parkview Health in Fort Wayne, IN. “When you bring receipts (texts, emails, witnesses), they may lash out or get defensive, accuse you of being “obsessed” or “paranoid,” or deflect or change the subject,” she explains. Dr. Mohsen adds that when there’s concrete proof, like written communication (again, like texts, emails, etc.) or outside witnesses, they can’t easily twist the narrative, which threatens their control. 2. Receiving boundaries When you set firm boundaries (i.e., you tell them “I won’t discuss this if you keep denying it”), the gaslighter loses the power. “Gaslighters dislike boundaries because they protect the person they’re trying to manipulate,” says Dr. Mohsen. “Consequently, the person is less vulnerable and more difficult to control.” Related: Gaslighting a Spouse Can Sound Like These 7 Phrases, According to a Relationship Psychologist 3. Being ignored According to Dr. Kapur, gaslighters crave attention and control. “Going no-contact, being emotionally unresponsive or detaching can drive them wild because they can no longer pull your strings,” she says. Even though the Grey Rock Method is used a lot with narcissists, it looks like you could get some use out of it with a gaslighter too. 4. Learning you have an outside support system Having close friends and family can drive a gaslighter crazy because you have someone outside of them to turn to for support. “Gaslighters hate when you have close friends, family or therapists validating your experiences,” says Dr. Kapur. “Isolation is one of their tools, so they resist anything that strengthens your independence.” Gaslighters want you dependent on them for “the truth,” so the more you get different perspectives from others on the situation, the harder it is for them to maintain control, adds Dr. Arlene Waldron, Psy.D, LMFT, the Southern California Clinical Director at Newport Healthcare. 5. Not receiving an emotional reaction Staying calm in an emotionally charged situation is one of the things gaslighters hate most of all. “Gaslighters often want an emotional reaction to something that they can use against you,” Dr. Waldron shares. “Responding calmly and factually leaves them with less to twist or exploit.” Related: 75 Quotes About Gaslighting To Help You Identify and Break Away From This Toxic Behavior by Manipulators 6. Seeing that you have confidence Confidence is key in many situations, especially when dealing with a gaslighter. “If someone is confident in themselves and trusts their own emotions, intuition and memory, traditional gaslighting tactics don’t work as well,” Dr. Mohsen tells Parade. “Gaslighters hate this because their goal is to make the other person doubt themselves.” 7. Finding out that you agree to disagree Dr. Butler says that gaslighters often perceive an inherent hierarchy in which they are at the top and you are at the bottom. “If you agree to disagree, this not only challenges the gaslighter’s narrative but also gives them fewer avenues to manipulate,” she explains. 8. Noticing that you trust your intuition The goal of a gaslighter is to make you doubt yourself. So, with that in mind, if you’re confident and trust your own emotions, intuition and memory, traditional gaslighting tactics don’t work as well, according to Dr. Mohsen. 9. Seeing that you’re growing Gaslighters hate to see any sign that you’re healing, getting stronger or seeing through them because this threatens their power, according to Dr. Kapur. Whether you’re actively in therapy or working on your own self-growth and discovery, a gaslighter will dislike it when they notice you’re becoming a stronger, smarter and healthier person. Related: 10 Manipulative Tactics Straight Out of a Gaslighter’s Playbook, According to Psychologists Why Do These Tactics Work? If you find yourself dealing with a gaslighter, then using these tactics that gaslighters hate could be helpful to you. And the reason they work is because of how it shifts the power dynamic they so desperately want to control. “These strategies work because they shift the power back to you,” according to Dr. Waldron. “Gaslighting depends on confusion and self-doubt, and when you prioritize holding on to your reality, setting boundaries and bringing in additional perspectives through communication with other close relationships, you take control away from the gaslighter and break the cycle.” Up Next: Sources:
