Copyright Parade
Key Points Emotionally intelligent MILs prioritize couples’ autonomy, respect boundaries and communicate directly. Healthy MIL-DIL traits include mutual respect, flexibility, and clear, compassionate communication. Repairing mistakes, shared rituals and accountability are key to strong family relationships. When in-laws are brought up in conversation, someone might immediately roll their eyes or mutter some sarcastic comments under their breath. It can be tricky to navigate a relationship with your partner’s parents—especially if there are stark differences in your values and priorities. But not all in-laws are “toxic” or difficult—and it *is* possible to have a genuinely great bond with them. This is especially true if you have an emotional intelligent mother-in-law (MIL). Dr. Tracy Dalgleish, psychologist, relationship expert and author of You, Your Husband, and His Mother (out 11/4), shares that there are actually eight things that emotionally intelligent MILs do differently, and it makes a huge impact not only on the general family structure, but also in specific relationships, such as with their daughter-in-laws (DILs). Too often, years pass without seeing completely eye-to-eye, it can feel inevitable that MIL/DIL relationships will be stuck in a “polite but distant” category. However, Dr. Dalgleish (AKA @dr.tracyd on Instagram with over 530k followers), is passionate about bringing people together instead of letting annoyances, frustrations and miscommunications fester, creating a gap between them. “This is the work I’m doing with all people I work with, helping them build meaningful and healthy connections,” she tells Parade. Below, she reveals eight common traits found in healthy mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationships, detailing how flexible boundaries, shared rituals, respect and accountability (and more!) all positively impact this bond. Plus, she explains exactly what emotional intelligence looks like in a MIL. Related: 12 Things Emotionally Intelligent Women Do That the Average Person Avoids, Psychologists Say What Does ‘Emotional Intelligence’ Look Like in a Mother-in-Law? “On a high level, emotional intelligence requires self-awareness, self-regulation, empathy, the willingness to communicate while also allowing for repair when we don’t get it right, and the ability to differentiate between self and other (recognizing that we are two separate people, we don’t get to control others, and we are not responsible for their emotions while we can also be accountable for acknowledging our impact on others),” Dr. Dalgleish tells Parade. 8 Things Emotionally Intelligent Mother-in-Laws Do Differently, According to a Psychologist Dr. Dalgleish explains that emotionally intelligent MILs do the following eight things differently: 1. They prioritize the couples’ bond over their own comfort “They turn their son toward his partner instead of pulling back toward ‘loyalty’ to family of origin or guilt,” Dr. Dalgleish shares. “They nurture the couple’s autonomy and the DIL is not scapegoated. This shows emotional regulation and perspective taking: the ability to soothe their own feelings of discomfort without placing them on their adult child/DIL.” 2. They include, but don’t intrude “This shows empathy and social awareness—understanding that their presence does impact others, without personalizing that impact,” Dr. Dalgleish says. “When they include their DIL, it also signals the ability to prioritize belonging. An emotionally intelligent MIL still holds autonomy in connection, instead of emotional fusion and enmeshment.” She explains that examples of enmeshment include the beliefs: “My experience was just like yours.” “If I feel this way, you must too.” Related: 8 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother and How To Heal—According to Psychologists 3. They respect boundaries and don’t take them personally “This honors limits around visits, holidays and parenting decisions without defensiveness or guilt-tripping,” Dr. Dalgleish explains. “This demonstrates self-regulation and differentiation. It says ‘I can remain connected with you even when I feel disappointed.’” Related: 35 Phrases To Set Boundaries Firmly and Fairly, According to Mental Health Pros 4. They acknowledge and take ownership for hurts and missteps, prioritizing repair “This reflects a high level of self-awareness and not the struggle in ‘I have to be right’ or ‘choosing what is morally correct,'” Dr. Dalgleish shares. 5. They communicate directly, kindly and with respect “They don’t use triangulation or guilt, [and] they avoid speaking behind the other person’s back,” Dr. Dalgleish says. “Emotionally intelligent individuals can recognize speaking behind someone’s back is harmful. This also requires a MIL to be able to regulate their own feelings, so as not to act reactively.” 6. They see their DIL as an autonomous individual—and not just the role they play “A MIL invests in knowing who their DIL is—her interests, career and values, not just her role as mother,” Dr. Dalgleish explains. “This is the practice of individuality, and also the self-awareness it requires to not just focus on their own excitement of seeing a grandbaby, or narrowly focusing on their own experience as a grandparent.” Related: 4 Social Cues Emotionally Intelligent People Always Notice 7. They have an acceptance of differences and flexibility in values “Emotional intelligence requires one to see that you are two separate people (this is the skill of differentiation),” Dr. Dalgleish shares. “An individuated MIL doesn’t have to like everything about their DIL and they can still be respectful and inclusive. The practice of differentiation says, ‘I don’t have to like this and I can respect it.’ This is a practice of empathy and also self-awareness of what their own likes/dislikes are, and the ability to not define a person based on something they believe. This MIL can also accept that they don’t have to like everything about their DIL (differentiation) and can still be respectful and inclusive.” 8. They don’t triangulate; they address challenges face-to-face “Emotionally intelligent MILs can tolerate discomfort and differences, while practicing assertive and clear communication,” Dr. Dalgleish says. “There’s a self-trust that they can communicate directly, and while not always agreeing, can come to a respectful place to move forward.” Related: Ashlee Simpson Reveals How Diana Ross Is as a Mother-in-Law & a Grandma 8 Common Traits of Healthy Mother-in-Law/Daughter-in-Law Relationships 1. Clear and flexible boundaries “Boundaries are communicated and accepted while also renegotiated when life changes (e.g., the couple has a baby; a MIL becomes ill),” Dr. Dalgleish shares. “This matters because boundaries protect the autonomy of the couple, and also the MIL. Without them, people get stuck in resentment, role confusion and triangulation.” Related: 16 Things People With High Emotional Intelligence Often Say, According to Psychologists 2. Mutual respect “All parties treat each other with courtesy, taking into consideration of others’ feelings and choices,” she says. “While a MIL might do something one way, she respects her DIL’s choices. Respect is the foundation for safety, trust and togetherness. It also helps MIL-DIL work through hard moments knowing that they will always respect each other.” 3. Direct and compassionate communication “This avoids the tricky dynamics of triangulation,” Dr. Dalgleish explains. “You don’t speak of the individual behind their back or to other family members, and you speak with assertiveness and kindness. Passive aggression and talking about each other to other family members breaks trust and connection.” Related: 7 Direct Phrases to Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Behavior, According to a Psychologist 4. Talk about expectations and desires; not making adult children responsible for parents’ feelings “A strong connection nurtures sharing expectations and wishes from all parties,” she reveals. “This doesn’t mean all desires come true, but it is about coming to the table and then cocreating for what works best for everyone. When adult son and DIL aren’t able to meet the MIL’s desire, the MIL doesn’t make adult son/DIL responsible for her feelings.” 5. Nurturing the “we” of the couple “This is about building autonomy and that each person maintains their own interests and identity—a MIL focuses on her own identity outside of being a mother,” Dr. Dalgleish says. “A MIL can say ‘I trust you’ll work through this’ or ‘I’m so proud of you both.’ She turns the couple toward each other to strengthen their marriage. This also indicates that a MIL can ‘step out’ of being in the middle, not in a way that excludes herself but instead as a way that prioritizes the marriage and union of adult son/DIL. With this, there is an avoidance of creating codependency and resentment, or hyper independence and distance.” Related: 5 Things That Emotionally Intelligent People Do When They’re Disrespected 6. While grandbabies are exciting, nurturing the MIL-DIL relationship continues to exist “Don’t just focus on the grandparent-grandchild relationship,” Dr. Dalgleish says. “The adult son and DIL also need recognition, validation and to be seen. Healthy MIL-DIL relationships continue to hold genuine connection and interest in each other, and not just shifting focus to a grandchild.” 7. Rituals and shared experiences “Connections are enhanced by prioritizing time together,” she says. “This doesn’t have to be one-on-one time but there is a sense of nurturing the relationship and sharing of lives in a way that supports each person.” Related: 12 Common Habits of People With High Emotional Intelligence, According to Psychologists 8. Taking accountability and repair after mistakes “No relationship is perfect, and everyone brings in their own expectations, desires and opinions,” Dr. Dalgleish begins. “It’s inevitable that people will hurt each other, but the connection in families is built through repair: taking responsibility and showing relational maturity. It says ‘I care more about our connection than always being right.'” This is one of the biggest takeaways for all MILs and DILs. “I always remind clients of this: Relationships exist within context and nuance,” she explains. “Neither one ‘waits’ for the other to step up to the plate. We act from a place of our values, and not from a place of retaliation.” Up Next: Source:
