Copyright Parade
Key Points Gaslighting is psychological manipulation that causes someone to doubt their reality or perceptions. Not all disagreements or memory differences qualify as gaslighting. True gaslighting requires intentional, repeated manipulation to make someone question themselves. You’ve likely heard of “gaslighting” as the term has gained popularity over the past few years, largely due to the rise of social media and “pop psychology.” That said, “gaslighting” can be thrown around pretty loosely, and because of that—and just a general misunderstanding of what the term actually means—a lot of people might think they are being gaslit when they aren’t. Of course, that’s not to say it doesn’t happen or doesn’t happen often—it does. But the frequency can be exaggerated if people misconstrue what someone has said to them or even if they don’t agree with them on certain topics. There are some common gaslighting phrases that can signal you’ve actually experienced this manipulation tactic, such as “That’s not what happened” or “You always blow things out of proportion.” But that might not be the case, and context matters to ultimately make that determination, even in these seemingly cut-and-dry situations. To get some answers, Parade spoke with clinical psychologists about what gaslighting is and what kind of things people think are gaslighting that actually aren’t. Because not every disagreement means you are being gaslit, even if the person is in the wrong, or being difficult or aggressive. Related: 8 Phrases High-Level Gaslighters Often Use, According to Psychologists What Is Gaslighting? Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person or group makes another person question their own reality, memory or perceptions. “It is psychological deception where one’s thoughts, understanding of reality or experiences are questioned over time to the point where it leaves them feeling confused and in doubt of their own physical and psychological stability,” says Dr. Sakshi Kapur, PsyD, HSPP, a psychologist at Parkview Health in Fort Wayne, IN. “It’s often subtle and gradual, making it hard for an individual to recognize what’s happening.” According to Dr. Kapur, the main goal of gaslighting is to change the subject, transfer guilt from one person to another and make them believe that they are the one who is at fault. Gaslighting can occur in romantic relationships, families, friendships, workplaces and even in politics—it doesn’t discriminate. An example of gaslighting involves someone denying things that are obviously true, such as saying, “That never happened,” even when it clearly did. Another way gaslighting can present itself is by having someone twist facts or reframe situations to make you seem irrational or overly emotional, she says. Related: 7 Common Gaslighting Phrases Boomers Use With Their Adult Children, Psychologists Say What Can Be Mistaken for Gaslighting? Though it’s difficult to be in the presence of someone aggressive or hostile, or even emotionally abusive, it doesn’t mean that every interaction with this person is a form of gaslighting. Disagreements, different perspectives or miscommunication can be mistaken for gaslighting, according to Dr. Shereen A. Mohsen, a clinical psychologist in San Jose, CA. “Not every uncomfortable interaction or conflict is gaslighting,” she explains. “True gaslighting has to involve the element of intentional manipulation behind it, and it’s generally a repeated behavior.” That doesn’t mean what you’re experiencing isn’t a negative experience. It also doesn’t mean that the other person isn’t doing something else harmful. And just because something isn’t gaslighting doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter or you should get over it. It’s just important to be able to name something correctly so that you can figure out how to handle it going forward. Related: 7 Unexpected Long-Term Effects of Gaslighting and What To Do About Them, According to Psychologists 7 Things People Think Are Gaslighting but Actually Aren’t, According to Psychologists 1. Honest memory differences While a gaslighter does try to make you question what actually occurred in a situation, that doesn’t mean that someone whose memory differs from yours is doing that. It’s normal for two people to remember the same experience differently, especially when emotions run high. “That doesn’t necessarily mean one person is trying to manipulate the other,” says Dr. Mohsen. “Having a different memory of the way something happened does not in and of itself mean a person is gaslighting you—instead, it may just reflect how memory works.” 2. Different perspectives Someone telling you they see things differently and/or have a different opinion, even strongly, is not gaslighting—although it may feel like it in the heat of the moment. “They may not be validating your feelings in the way you’d like, but disagreement alone is not the same as trying to make you feel ‘crazy’ or doubt yourself,” says Dr. Mohsen. “And again, disagreement does not mean there is manipulation.” Related: How To Deal With a Gaslighter, According to a Psychologist 3. Defensiveness under stress We’ve all been there, where we’ve said something we didn’t mean in a stressful situation—it happens. “Someone may say, ‘I never meant that,’ when confronted, not to deceive but to protect themselves from shame,” says Dr. Benjamin Bernstein, a clinical psychologist at Silver Hill Hospital in New Canaan, CT. “This can be problematic, but it is not always gaslighting.” Related: The #1 Best Way To Stop Being Defensive in Relationships, According to Therapists 4. Poor communication skills Not everyone knows how to communicate effectively, whether that’s because they weren’t taught as kids or don’t care to do so in their lives. “A person who avoids conflict, minimizes things or shuts down emotionally is not gaslighting if they’re not trying to make you doubt your reality, but instead just struggling to express themselves,” Dr. Kapur tells Parade. “Emotional immaturity or defensiveness can look like manipulation when it’s actually just avoidance.” 5. Disagreements According to Dr. Bernstein, not every disagreement is gaslighting—sometimes it’s just two people remembering things differently or having different perspectives. “Differentiating between miscommunication and manipulation is critical and can help prevent overusing a term that carries serious weight,” he explains. 6. Inadequate conflict resolution If you get into an argument or disagreement with a friend, family member or significant other, then an attempt might be made to apologize and move on. “If someone apologizes poorly or tries to move past an issue without really addressing it, it’s not gaslighting if there’s no attempt to deny your experience or re-write what happened along the way,” says Dr. Kapur. 7. Different interpretations Dr. Bernstein says that individuals with different personality styles may have different interpretations of events whether that’s with a positive or negative spin. “One person may emphasize positives, another negatives, but the difference isn’t always a power play,” he says. Up Next: Sources:
