Copyright Parade
Within a family unit, there can be some interesting relationship dynamics. Some moms and dads “helicopter parent” their children. Brothers and sisters might experience sibling rivalries. And then there’s the connection (or lack thereof) between mother-in-laws (MILs) and daughter-in-laws (DILs). Psychologist and relationship expert Dr. Tracy Dalgleish understands that the bond between MILs and DILs can be complicated, to say the least. Now, the author of You, Your Husband, and His Mother is shining a light on common mistakes mother-in-laws should avoid making, as well as common phrases MILs should stop using, in order to prioritize the health of the family as a whole. “These mistakes are often not seen right away, and in many scenarios lead to the triangle dynamics that negatively impact all relationships between MIL, DIL and adult son,” Dr. Dalgleish (AKA @dr.tracyd on Instagram with over 530k followers) tells Parade. She explains why these missteps can be detrimental to the MIL/DIL relationship, and suggests what to do instead to repair and build upon your bond. Are you a daughter-in-law? Stick around—she also shares her top tips on how to set boundaries with your MIL that actually work. Related: 8 Things Emotionally Intelligent Mother-in-Laws Do Differently, According to a Psychologist 6 Common Mistakes Mother-in-Laws Should Stop Making, According to a Psychologist “There are several common mistakes I see MILs making—often they aren’t ill-intentioned but do have a significant impact on the DIL and the couple,” Dr. Dalgleish tells Parade. “Ultimately, these mistakes, if not repaired, create division, resentment and anger.” 1. Viewing DIL as an outsider, instead of welcoming her into the family “While your DIL is not ‘your’ child, she is a significant person to your adult child,” Dr. Dalgleish says. “By not inviting her to events, excluding her, dividing the couple or engaging in micro dismissals of her, you are sending the signal that she is not part of your family. MILs need to recognize that as an extension of their adult son, their DIL needs to be welcomed into the family, invited into your traditions while also allowing them to make their own traditions. When you exclude your DIL, you will end up creating more conflict and distance as it forces your son to make a choice, and as he has committed to his partner, his role now is to choose his partner.” Related: 8 Signs You Have a Toxic Mother and How To Heal—According to Psychologists 2. Comparisons of your family to her family One of the most common mistakes Dr. Dalgleish wishes MILs would stop making? Expressing dissatisfaction of the time her son spends with his wife’s family. “All families are different and offer something unique,” she says. “Let go of comparisons and instead focus on the relationship you want to have with your son and DIL.” 3. Blaming the DIL for the couple’s/parents’ boundaries and wishes “Blame is often used when people feel uncomfortable, and instead of processing their own feelings, looking inward at how they contribute to the dynamic, or depersonalizing someone’s wishes, they look outward to find ‘the bad guy,'” Dr. Dalgleish shares. “Again, this divides the couple and creates a ‘you vs. us’ game, putting your adult son in the position to have to ‘choose,'” she continues. “See the wishes and desires as coming from both your adult son and DIL and while you might not like their boundaries and choices, you can still respect them by not blaming your DIL.” 4. Communicating with only the DIL, either by asking her questions about your adult son, or by making plans solely through her This might not seem so bad at first glance. After all, you’re involving her, right?! But it’s a little more complicated than that. “This puts your DIL in the ‘kinkeeper role,’ making her responsible for planning holidays, gift giving and coordinating her husband’s side of the family,” Dr. Dalgleish explains. “Adult sons and their mothers, together, are responsible for maintaining their connection.” 5. Making themselves insignificant Just because your son has more priorities now doesn’t mean that you need to shirk away to the shadows! “Remember that you are important, and you will always be his mother,” Dr. Dalgleish stresses. “It is time to allow your adult son to focus on his own family and connection. As your role changes, it calls on you to still reach out to them, to build a relationship with them (and not just the grandkids) and also to have your own identity outside of being a mother.” Related: 7 Direct Phrases to Shut Down Passive-Aggressive Behavior, According to a Psychologist 6. Focusing only on the grandkids “Your adult child, as all people do, need to be seen, validated and responded to,” Dr. Dalgleish shares. “They need connection. When you only ask about the grandkids or only want to visit them, it minimizes and dismisses your relationship with your adult son. You’ll also end up struggling to see your grandkids more due to a strained parent-adult son relationship. Yes, babies are exciting—and you need to focus first on the new parents.” 7 Common Phrases Mother-in-Laws Should Avoid Saying “Across the hundreds of couples I have worked with, both in therapy and through my online communities, there are many commonalities between things that are said that hurt the relationship between child-in-law or adult child,” Dr. Dalgleish tells Parade. She provides seven examples, along with her tips on how to reframe each statement in a healthy, respectful way. 1. “I was just trying to help.” “This phrase often comes after a boundary is crossed (e.g., showing up unannounced; giving unsolicited parenting advice; telling your DIL how to do something),” Dr. Dalgleish explains. “This statement denies acknowledging their impact on their DIL, and ends up invalidating their experience when MILs focus on their intention (e.g., “I meant well.).” Reframe: “I can see how this felt for you. Thank you for sharing with me and next time I will…” Related: People Who Heard These 9 Phrases Growing up Were Likely Raised by Self-Centered Parents 2. “We’ve always done it this way in our family.” “Some families get stuck in rigidity and control, which is part of toxic family dynamics,” she says. “Insisting on their way leads DILs to feel excluded and not considered. This is especially damaging during the early years of parenting (e.g., ‘That’s now how we did it in our day’).” Reframe: “I’m curious about your decision to… can you tell me more about it?” 3. “You stole my son.” “One client shared with me how her MIL continued to say this to her, and felt like she had to justify their relationship,” Dr. Dalgleish reveals. “This statement ignores the fact that an adult makes their own decisions and that children are not something to ‘own’ and ‘lose.’ This idea leads someone else to feel responsible for your feelings, instead of a healthier approach of ‘I miss spending time with my kids’ and building new traditions that include your adult son and his significant other. A healthy relationship prioritizes individuation, the idea that your children are meant to separate from you and build their own lives. This also puts the DIL in the position of ‘stealing’ something when she did no such thing.” Reframe: “I would love to spend more time with you both.” Related: 9 Phrases That Signal Someone Has a ‘Victim Mindset,’ According to Psychologists 4. “It’s not a big deal. You’re fussing too much.” (Or some other comment about parenting). “This minimizes and dismisses the experience your DIL/adult child is having,” she warns. “In moments like this, you end up creating distance with your adult son and DIL. Parents need recognition and support; not denial.” Reframe: “We see all that you are doing” or “I know you’ve got this, even in this hard season.” Related: 11 Phrases To Use if Someone Says You’re ‘Too Sensitive’ 5. “You should…” or “Why aren’t you …” (e.g., wedding invite list; plans around holidays; house/career choices; parenting/family choices). “These statements come across as directive and controlling,” Dr. Dalgleish says. “They indicate a morality or superiority, as if the MIL knows best. Naturally, this triggers defensiveness. Over time, DILs will feel undermined or create more distance from their MIL. Don’t assume the choices your adult child/DIL makes, or displace your own mistakes or teachings onto them.” Reframe: “Do you want to hear what worked for me?” or “Tell me how you envision…” Related: People With ‘Control Issues’ Often Use These 11 Subtle Tactics, According to Psychologists 6. “My son never used to be like this until he met you.” “This blames the DIL for changes in family structures and implies that she ‘corrupted’ him,” Dr. Dalgleish explains. “It creates a divide between partners, labelling the DIL as the ‘problem’ or ‘bad one,’ instead of helping them to create a healthy union. It denies the adult child the ability to evolve, and also undermines the couple’s autonomy.” Reframe: “I’m getting used to how things are different in our family. I want to support you both and still have time together.” 7. “After all I do for you” and “But I gave you so much.” “Many couples I work with have expressed hearing this from their MIL, especially in the context of when adult son and DIL are not available when MILs want them to be,” Dr. Dalgleish says. “They are intended to place MILs feelings onto adult children so they feel a sense of guilt.” However, this manipulative tactic trends to backfire. “‘Guilt-tripping‘ is a toxic dynamic that ultimately leads people to avoid and distance from MILs,” she continues. “If you have a desire or wish, express it. If you are upset about it, consider speaking to your spouses, friends, or peer group (instead of placing those hard feelings on their children).” Reframe: “This isn’t what I had hoped for and I also accept that you two are making your own traditions this year. Let’s make a plan for when we can get together soon.” Related: 12 Things Emotionally Intelligent Women Do That the Average Person Avoids, Psychologists Say How would you describe your relationship with your MIL or DIL? It's healthy and great It's healthy and great0 % It's OK, but could use some work It's OK, but could use some work0 % We're not close We're not close0 % How To Set Boundaries With Your MIL “Setting boundaries with a MIL isn’t a one-size-fits-all,” Dr. Dalgleish explains. “It depends on both the type of MIL you’re dealing with and your own DIL style.” In her new book, she outlines six different mother-in-law types (such as “martyr” or “blamer”) and three daughter-in-law styles “to help women understand the dynamics at play before they even start this conversation.” “How you communicate a boundary, and who should communicate it, will depend on that relationship pattern,” she tells Parade. “Once you know your MIL’s type, you can anticipate how she’ll likely respond, and prepare yourself for that moment.” However, she shares some universal tips and tricks for setting boundaries with MILs. Present a United Front “No matter your DIL style or MIL type, the healthiest boundaries come from a united front,” Dr. Dalgleish shares. “Examples are ‘We’ve decided…’ instead of ‘My wife decided…’ and ‘We need…’ instead of ‘I feel like…’” It may not seem significant, but it makes an impact. “This subtle shift indicates to a MIL unity and security within the couple,” she says. Open up With Empathy or Reassurance “When possible, start by using empathy or reassurance to your MIL that they have a role in their life or that them being part of your family is important to you,” Dr. Dalgleish recommends. “This lowers their defensiveness and allows them to hear the boundary.” She provides the following two examples: “We know how much you love being involved…” “We want to find time to connect…” Be clear and direct “Keep language clear and concise, focusing on your needs and actions moving forward (e.g., ‘We need notice before you show up. If you come unannounced, we won’t invite you in’) and avoid overexplaining your reasons for the boundary,” Dr. Dalgleish says. Ultimately, protect your peace “When there is a healthy relationship with your MIL, you can talk about hurts and missteps and engage in repairing,” Dr. Dalgleish begins. “But in more difficult family systems—where there are patterns of guilt, denial or control—feedback is rarely received well. In these moments, boundaries must focus not on changing your MIL but instead about protecting your peace and staying aligned as a couple. This is where you have your agency and choice.” Up Next: Source:
