Copyright MassLive
There’s nothing quite like opening up a bag of Halloween candy — unless it’s bottom-tier tripe that you can’t believe people had the audacity to hand out. Halloween should be a simple process. Step one: Get good candy. Step two: Hand it out to trick-or-treaters. Step three: Hoard the best stuff for yourself. Unfortunately, it would seem that some individuals in our society have yet to figure out which candy is good and which is drek destined to be abandoned at the bottom of a plastic pumpkin. So, in a selfless act of public service, I am here to provide you with a ranking of Halloween candy that is bespoke and of the highest taste. This is so that no one has to walk around in fear that they’ll encounter a Necco Wafer out in the wild. (Note: I’ve been ranking Halloween candy pretty much every year for about a decade. I do not remember what my previous rankings were and have no intention of checking. As always, these rankings are not scientific, but they are correct.) 57 kinds of Halloween candy, ranked worst to best 57) Necco Wafers — I would actually prefer to get actual chalk than Necco Wafers. At least I could use it as actual chalk. 56) Dubble Bubble — I can’t eat this. It’s anti-candy. Handing out gum on Halloween should be a violation of international law. Straight to jail. 55) Candy Buttons — Not only is it bad candy, it’s physically impossible to consume them without ingesting at least some paper. 54) Pixy Stix — This is not actual food. This is proof that, at one point in my life, my addiction to sugar was so bad that I was willing to inhale the powdery residue swept off the ground at the SweeTarts factory. I assume that’s how they’re made. 53) Bit-O-Honey —Somehow, it’s both sticky and as hard as diamonds. They should make bulletproof vests out of this stuff. 52) Ring Pop — The only value these carry is that they’re heavy enough to throw at the head of someone from whom you can steal better candy. 51) Whoppers — No one has intentionally put malt powder in food since the Nixon Administration. 50) Blow Pops — Want to spend five minutes working through hard candy to get to bad gum? I didn’t think so. 49) Hot Tamales — I can’t believe candy companies continue to ruin cinnamon by turning it into goopy red rubbish. 48) Dots — Every few years, I’ll look at a box of Dots and give them a try. This is because I’ve forgotten what Dots taste like. They taste like Elmer’s glue mixed with Kool-Aid. 47) Jolly Ranchers — I have no idea how Jolly Ranchers manage to melt and stick to the bottom of a bag of Halloween candy. It’s like 45 degrees out, tops. How is it scientifically possible? 46) Caramel Apple Pops — Taste-wise, these are great. But no one has time for lollipops on Halloween. 45) Smarties — I don’t think I’ve ever opened a roll of Smarties without dropping one or getting dust everywhere. 44) Nerds — It’s like someone looked at buckshot and went, “Oh, that looks appetizing.” 43) SweeTarts — Of all the chalky junk out there, this is the best. 42) Jelly Beans — Woah! Hold on there, muchacho. You think I have the time to stop and decipher what flavor of bean I’m eating? I’m a busy man. I’ve got Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups to guard with my life. 41) Tootsie Roll — Truly the lowest form of chocolate. 40) Twizzlers — It wouldn’t be so bad if people handed the pull-apart Twizzlers. But it’s never the pull-apart Twizzlers. 39) Airheads — It’s mystery flavor or it’s nothing. 38) Hershey Kisses — For when you want the least chocolate and the most wrapper garbage possible. 37) Andes Mints — I’m not at a hotel. Why are you doing giving me a mint? 35) Mounds — Oh, you’re handing out candy with coconut for Halloween. Congrats on making 37% of your visitors happy, I guess. 34) Almond Joy — Oh, cool, you’ve reduced that number to 23%. But that 23% is ecstatic. 33) Hershey Bar — Well, it’s chocolate. 32) Tootsie Roll Pops — I’m convinced that if you made these into little bite-sized candies with a thin shell, they’d be amazing. (Editor’s note: Don’t bother yelling at Nick in the comments. We’ve already told him these exist.) 31) Junior Mints — Unlike Milk Duds, you can actually eat these without a jackhammer. 30) Sour Patch Kids — I’ll enjoy about three Sour Patch Kids. After that, they’re dead to me. 29) York Peppermint Patty — Yeah, this is fine. It’s not exciting. But they’re a nice changeup. 28) Candy Corn — People tell me that I’m crazy for liking candy corn. Well, bad news. I’m a crazy person in charge of these rankings and there’s nothing you can do to stop me! 27) Swedish Fish — These are the licorice equivalent of candy corn. 26) Laffy Taffy — Peak taffy. Accept no imitators. 25) Ferrero Rocher — Oh, fancy pants over here is handing out Ferrero Rocher? What, you think you’re better than me? 24) Toblerone — Same as above. I’ll eat it. But I’ll keep making fun of you as I walk down the sidewalk. 23) M&Ms — I’ve never been mad about getting a bag of M&Ms. I’ve never been ecstatic. But it’s a good time at the very least. 22) Peanut Butter M&Ms — Getting better... 21) Peanut M&Ms — The best form of M&Ms. 20) Heath Bar — I’ve never seen anyone buy a Heath Bar. This stuff only exists as an ice cream topping. 19) Crackle — We’ve now reached the “puffed rice chocolate” portion of the program. This one is the smallest and therefore the worst. 18) Nestle Crunch — Longer than a Crackle, therefore better. 17) 100 Grand — This one is an actual candy bar. Top marks. 16) PayDay — Or as I like to call it, “Naked Snickers.” 15) Starburst — Fun-sized Starburst packs are the sports gambling of Halloween candy. Sure, you could hit your parlay and get a package of pink and red. But let’s be real. You’re getting two yellows and you know it. 14) Milky Way — Or as I like to call it, “Inferior Snickers Without Peanuts.” 13) Flavored Tootsie Roll — Vanilla Tootsie Rolls are delicious. Anyone who disagrees is wrong. I will die on this hill. 12) 3 Musketeers — Nougat is awesome. This is the only candy that mainlines it right into my veins. 11) Baby Ruth — Or as I like to call it, “Lumpy Snickers.” 10) Butterfinger — Underrated. Never hogs the spotlight, but always solid. 9) Reese’s Pieces — It makes zero sense that fun-sized Reese’s Pieces aren’t as common as M&Ms on Halloween. What are we even doing as a society? 8) Twix — Why does Twix get away with only putting one stick in a fun-sized package? This should be investigated. 7) Skittles — There aren’t many elite fruit-based candies. This is one of them. 6) Snickers — The gold standard of candy bars. There are many imitators. They continue to live in the shadow of Snickers. 5) Life Savers Gummies — Yeah, I’m surprised by how high these are, too. But I think this is the best fruit-based candy out there. I’m always excited to get one of these. 4) Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups — The workhorse. The MVP. These are the foundation of any good bag of Halloween candy. 3) Take 5 — This candy bar is proof that innovation is still possible. By working in the salty pretzel, Take 5 adds something new to the normal candy lineup. Honestly, it’s the only top-tier candy that’s come out this century. 2) Reese’s Pumpkins — They’re slightly different from the normal cups. By giving a different ratio of chocolate to peanut butter, it creates a new experience. 1) Kit-Kat — Immaculate. Perfect. Undeniable. I will not hear any slander about my No. 1 candy. Kit-Kat are light, tasty and satisfying to eat. They hold up well in a bag of candy. Their color stands out. They go with everything. They avoid peanut allergies. I could eat 8,000 of them. --- Want more “I Ate It” food coverage? You can follow Nick on Instagram (@NickAteIt) and TikTok (also @NickAteIt) “I ate it so you don’t have to” is a regular food column about off-beat eats, both good and bad. I picked the name years ago and now we’re sort of stuck with it. You can send any praise/food suggestions to nomalley@masslive.com. Please send all criticisms and complaints about Nick’s rankings to hmorrison@masslive.com. You can check out the rest of the series here.
