Copyright Forbes
Many narratives surrounding breakups suggest that they often follow a predictable, linear storyline. Typically, they’re portrayed to have an inciting event that supposedly leads one person to “fall out of love” with the other — like an argument, an affair or even just the sudden epiphany that the spark is gone. But according to new research, this is rarely ever the case. An October 2025 study published in The Journal of General Psychology found that, rather than being rash or reactive, most breakups are highly intentional and well thought out events. In most cases, they emerge from a gradual internal process in which people weigh up their feelings, beliefs and social realities. This assessment typically happens long before a single conversation ever takes place. To better understand this process, the authors of the study developed their own integrative theoretical model of breakup decision-making. By drawing from decades of prior research on relationships and human behavior, they combined two foundational psychological frameworks: The theory of reasoned action. Proposes that human choices are guided by attitudes, social norms and perceived control over a situation. The theory of interpersonal behavior. Expands this view by adding emotions, habits and self-concept to the mix. By integrating these two models, the researchers were able to capture a much fuller spectrum of how and why people decide to leave a partner. They concluded that breakup decisions are shaped by four major influences. Together, these factors explain why the same situation can push one person to end a relationship and another to stay. Here’s a breakdown of each, according to the study. MORE FOR YOU 1. Affective Influences Affective influences reflect the emotions someone expects to experience during or after a breakup, almost like an emotional forecast of sorts. Naturally, these feelings will depend heavily on the person’s unique relationship history and emotional investment. Someone leaving a loving but stagnant relationship, for instance, might anticipate feelings of deep sadness and guilt. Someone in a toxic or unfulfilling relationship, on the other hand, might imagine that they’ll feel relief, excitement or even empowerment if they leave. But for most people, these opposing negative and positive feelings will coexist. This, in turn, usually leads to emotional ambivalence that can delay or derail the decision altogether. For instance, one person’s emotional forecast may sound like, “I know I’ll be better off without them, but I dread hurting them.” Another person’s forecast might sound completely different, such as, “We had so many good years together, but I’m ready to feel the thrill of starting over.” The anticipated emotions in both cases are completely valid. However, the relative weight of guilt versus hope will determine how (and when) the breakup unfolds. The study suggests that this internal emotional tug-of-war is one of the most common reasons why people hesitate in their decision to exit an unhappy relationship, even when they’re certain that they want to leave. 2. Social Influences Social influences involve the network of expectations that surrounds an individual: close friends and family, as well as the broader cultural status quo regarding love, marriage and commitment. Importantly, this also includes how an individual sees themselves as a participant of this social reality, in relation to these many norms and expectations. For example, someone raised in a community that normalizes divorce or views breakups as natural and necessary steps may feel empowered to leave their unsatisfying relationship. But in contrast, a person who comes from a family with strong religious or traditional values may experience intense pressure to stay, no matter how unhappy they are with their current partner. Similarly, self-concept also plays a decisive role in this process. One person might self-identify as a person who values independence and personal boundaries. Another might see themself as loyal and self-sacrificing, or as someone who “doesn’t give up easily.” Both of these different internalized identities can decidedly shape whether leaving the relationship feels like an act of bravery or of failure. In some cases, the social sphere of influence can even determine the timing of a breakup — or, in severe cases, whether or not they go through with it at all. If friends or family are likely to offer emotional and practical support, the person may feel ready sooner. If not, they may postpone the decision indefinitely, until they feel that they’re capable of dealing with the social fallout. 3. Cognitive Influences Cognitive influences refer to the beliefs and expectations that shape how a person might imagine their life after a breakup. This involves a highly personal calculus of perceived risks and rewards: independence versus isolation, freedom versus loneliness or stability versus upheaval. For instance, a person who believes the aftermath will be overwhelmingly negative — financial instability, awkward social transitions, the fear of never finding someone else — might choose to stay, despite knowing the relationship is unsustainable. On the other hand, someone who sees the breakup as a doorway to renewal or self-discovery is likely to find it much easier to take the leap. Crucially, this cognitive sphere of influence also includes perceived control. That is, it also comes down to whether or not someone feels capable of managing the consequences. Two people in the same situation might hold vastly different expectations: one feels trapped and powerless, while the other believes they can adapt and rebuild. Those beliefs, not the objective circumstances, are often what will determine who leaves first. 4. Motivational Influences Finally, motivational influences reflect the degree of intention and planning that exists behind a breakup. It’s one thing to imagine leaving; it’s another to turn that thought into an actionable, step-by-step plan. In this sense, momentum is an indispensable element in the process of a breakup. When intentions are vague, the decision is more than likely to stall. But when someone is confident in the steps they take, the emotional and cognitive groundwork will feel much easier to commit to. In other words, “I should probably end things soon” won’t be nearly as motivational as “I have to end things soon.” For example, one person might start looking for a new place to live, rehearse exactly what they’ll say to their partner during the conversation, and enlist a friend for support when they eventually bite the bullet. Another person might only go so far as to daydream about leaving their partner, but without ever forming a real, tangible plan. As the study notes, this gap between intention and execution is another dominant reason why some people in relationships long after they’ve emotionally checked out. Why No Two Breakups Look the Same These four influences cannot conceivably operate in isolation. Instead, they interact in unique, often unpredictable ways. Think of them as four dice being rolled at once. Even with just four, there are over a thousand possible combinations of outcomes. One person’s emotional readiness might be high, but their social support might also be low. Another person’s beliefs might align with the idea of leaving, but their motivation might also falter. Each “roll” reflects a different internal and external confluence. It is precisely this variability that helps to explain why two people with identical doubts about their relationships can act so differently. One of them might end things decisively, confident in their choice. The other might stick around for months or years longer due to the sheer guilt and fear they feel. Their emotional realities could be nearly identical, but their social networks, cognitive appraisals and motivational readiness will change the outcome drastically. All of this is to say that there isn’t a universal emotional blueprint for how a breakup will happen. Even if they appear to be impulsive or one-sided, they’re usually the product of layered reflection and competing forces. From this perspective, a breakup can never be a sudden collapse; it will always, in some way, reflect a stratified decision-making process of both heart and reason. Each person’s unique mix of influences will make their path out of love distinct.
