Copyright Forbes
So many people in long-term relationships fall into the pattern of making logistics their primary concern: their morning routines, schedules and who’s going to pick up whom. But in order to sustain a loving relationship, we have to dive a little deeper every once in a while into our fears, hopes and desires. Of course, being vulnerable can feel uncomfortable; we naturally want to protect those more tender parts of ourselves. But without this openness, our relationships risk losing their warmth and intimacy. That’s where these three questions come in. They may not be an instant “fix” to every problem a couple has, but they can still encourage the listening and openness required to find one. 1. What’s The Biggest Challenge In Our Relationship Right Now? It’s not uncommon for people to be afraid of asking questions like, “What’s the biggest challenge in our relationship right now?” After all, if they’re handled poorly, questions like these can result in disagreements, accusations or hurt feelings. And for many, the fear of conflict alone can be enough to discourage partners from talking about their frustrations at all. That’s why it’s important to ask questions and approach their resultant conversations gently. The goal shouldn’t be for partners to try and find faults in one another, but rather to get a better understanding of their experience of the relationship. MORE FOR YOU If partners continually practice approaching these conversations gently, kindly and without fear, then it becomes easier each time for them to share hard moments with each other. In time, they’ll learn how to stop avoiding hard conversations altogether. Not only will the conversations themselves become easier, but the relationship as a whole will benefit, too. A recent study found that couples who used the relationship app Paired to engage in daily conversations — about both lighthearted and serious topics — reported a 35% increase in relationship quality within just three months. The study showed that regular, low-pressure communication, especially when prompted by neutral tools like daily questions, helped partners open up more easily. This, as a result, strengthened their emotional connection and by making vulnerable conversations into an everyday habit. Partners reported that even when the topics were uncomfortable, their shared commitment to openness made them feel more closer and understood. One of the strongest ways to create enduring bonds is to confront difficulties in a sincere and loving manner — which is exactly what this first question helps with. If you want it to become a deeper, more productive conversation, consider broaching these follow-up questions: What do you think the main reason behind this problem is? Where do you feel this problem shows up most in our relationship? What would you like me to understand better about how this problem makes you feel? Growth can only start when you and your partner can confidently name and address problems directly, without it ending in blame or breakdowns. 2. What’s The One Thing You Are Afraid To Tell Me? Not many questions in love are as significant as this one. Most people have fears, truths and insecurities that they hide away from their partner. Some might be scared of how a partner will react to them, and others might fear losing their partner altogether because of them. But often, as protective as keeping them bottled up may feel, it still leaves gaps in the relationship that will gradually weaken your bond. However, a 2025 study published in Social Psychological and Personality Science found that partners who expressed and perceived greater honesty reported higher well-being, motivation to grow and relationship satisfaction — even when their honesty wasn’t entirely accurate. The researchers noted that just the act of being open alone mattered more than being perfectly right. In other words, what strengthens a relationship is not full, flawless truth, but rather the courage that it takes to open up that little bit at all. In this sense, this question is an invitation; it’s not a demand for a confession. It indicates that you’re not concerned with what they’re holding back, but instead with whether or not they feel safe enough to share with you. The truth itself may be a little bit unsettling in a moment; however, it also helps to see through the fog that is keeping you and your partner from really seeing each other. If you want to warm your partner up to the question, you can start slow by asking: What scares you the most about saying it out loud? What would you need to feel safe enough to tell me? How can I convince you that your truth is safe with me? When you become a safe space for your partner to freely speak their mind, your love can flourish without being hindered fear. 3. How Can I Love You Better? This third question is a mix of both softness and humility. It recognizes that love isn’t something that stays the same year after year; it changes over time in the same way that we do. With effort, it gets stronger. But when we take our partners for granted or lose track of their evolving needs, then it’s likely to start weakening. In this sense, asking your partner how you can love them better is tantamount to asking how to become the partner they deserve. You relinquish all the ways that your ego might be holding you back from becoming a better partner, and, in turn, you’re offered the insight needed to start that process of becoming. Although there’s always room for improvement in a relationship, some partners might still struggle to answer the question — either out of fear of hurting your feelings, or simply because they’re not sure of it themselves. If this is the case for you, you can guide your partner with some follow-ups: Which of my habits or behaviors make you feel the most loved, cared for and seen? What’s one thing I could do more often that would make you feel valued? When do you feel most distant from me, and how can I do better at bridging that gap? Every relationship is a union between two imperfect people, who have to continuously learn how to meet each other halfway in their differences. In this sense, these three questions aren’t a matter of trying to find fully-fledged, detailed answers. What really matters is whether you’re asking them at all, and with the right intentions.
