Copyright Forbes
People who claim to know that they’ve “found the one” usually refer to a tangible moment where it all clicked. Some say it was love at first sight; some say it came during their first date; others say it was the first time they shared “I love you.” But, as any seasoned psychologist (or married person) will tell you, happy, intimate moments are only a fraction of what a relationship will look like in your lifetime. In this sense, good days are rarely a reflection of longevity or success in a relationship. Typically, it’s how partners navigate the awful ones that serve as a better measure. Below are three experiences every couple should go through before saying “I do.” They’re far from being romantic milestones; in fact, they’re perhaps the least romantic things you could experience. However, they’re still moments that can reveal what a lifetime together might actually look like. 1. An Argument Where Neither Of You Are Technically Wrong How much is an appropriate amount of money to spend on a friend’s wedding gift? What’s the right way to discipline a child? Which family should you do Thanksgiving with, and which should you do Christmas with? Regardless of what answer you give, neither you nor your partner will ever technically be “wrong” in these kinds of arguments. Nine times out of ten, when these conversations spiral out of control, what’s really to blame is a clash in values. It’s not necessarily that one of you is smarter or more logical than the other. Likely, it’s that you just have differing outlooks on the same values — on what counts as generous, fair, loyal or just, and what doesn’t. MORE FOR YOU But, unlike other arguments where someone is evidently in the wrong, these arguments can go on forever if no one realizes when it’s time to rest their case. This is because they often feel more personal than other petty arguments, since these topics generally reflect your history, your upbringing or your worldview as a whole. In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review, renowned psychologists and spouses Drs John and Julie Gottman summarized over 40 years of their work on relationship stability. One of their most pertinent findings, based on experiments with over 960 couples, was that 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual. These arguments stem from enduring, unchangeable differences in two partners’ personalities or lifestyle preferences. In other words, two out of three arguments you’ll ever have with your partner will be of the kind that you won’t be able to solve and move on from. Eventually, you’ll either have to learn how to handle them with kindness and empathy, or you’ll find yourself continually at odds every time that you butt heads. This is why it’s important to pay attention to how you disagree with your partner when you inevitably find yourselves at odds, without a clear “right” answer. Do you listen to one another? Do you try to “win”? Do you take turns speaking? Do you shout? Do you walk out on them? These are emotional patterns that are most likely to shape what a marriage will actually look like in your future together. For successful couples, this isn’t a scary thought; these arguments end either practically or reassuringly, and they always search high and low for compromise of some kind. You will inevitably see the world differently to your partner in marriage, as you probably already do. That’s why the health of your marriage will depend on whether or not those differences scare you. 2. A Vacation Where Everything Goes Wrong What do you do when, during your immaculately planned vacation, your flights get canceled? When your luggage disappears, and turns up in the middle of nowhere? When your hotel room is double booked? These are rare but golden opportunities for partners to see one another at their worst: when something that should be good goes wrong, and when there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. It’s not too surprising that, in a 2024 survey by Talker Research on behalf of Discover Puerto Rico, it was revealed that 73% of couples consider travelling together as the ultimate relationship test. In a supportive environment, being exposed to a manageable stressor is a fantastic way for individuals to develop coping skills, or for couples to learn how to help one another while maintaining their spirit. Travel chaos, in this sense, is the perfect microcosm for couples to inoculate themselves against stress. It’ll push you both just far enough out of your comfort zones to reveal your true emotional defaults. Knowing how you and your partner react, and subsequently cope, when plans go out the window is vital. Do you have what it takes to problem-solve together? Or do you end up turning on each other? Do you laugh and communicate your way through it when the Airbnb turns out to be a scam or when you lose your passport? Or does it turn into a screaming match? The masks fall away when everything goes wrong. The first time you experience a horrible vacation is, likely, the first time you get to meet the most tired, irritable, hungry and anxious versions of yourselves. In turn, you learn firsthand whether or not the two of you can successfully turn a bad situation into something good, without turning on one another. In the long run, marriage will be full of moments that will feel very similar to a vacation gone wrong. When the job doesn’t work out, the home repair spirals into a money pit or, really, when any plan falls apart. If you can face those things together and survive, then you’re already ahead. 3. A Major Life Event How do you support your partner through something tragic and unexpected? Or, conversely, do you let your partner support you? Witnessing someone try to come to terms with a job loss, a health scare or a family crisis can be very difficult to watch; this is only compounded by the realization that there’s no way for you to “fix” the situation for them. The point, instead, is to survive. As a 2022 literature review from Annual Review of Clinical Psychology notes, major life events are among the strongest predictors of the onset of major depressive disorder, especially if an individual lacks social support. This is what makes it crucial for partners to provide secure, responsive support. Yet, in the wake of grief or upheaval, partners can become shells of themselves. They may be distant, or even rude, and they may not be able to contribute to the partnership in the same way they were previously able to. In this sense, it may be hard to support a partner who’s hardly loving or attentive — but it’s still paramount to do it anyways. A major life event, from this perspective, is where theory meets reality. You learn what “in sickness and in health” might actually feel like. You see whether your partner’s empathy is performative or practiced. You also learn whether or not you’re capable of accepting help when you may not necessarily think you need it, let alone want it. Can you disagree on solutions without tearing each other down? Can you admit that you’re feeling scared, lost or bereft? Can you let your partner take care of you, or even just help, without feeling ashamed? Or, conversely, can you be there for someone who barely even registers your presence? There’s invaluable insight that tends to emerge from adversity: that chaos can either make you cherish your partner more than you ever have, or resent them in equal proportion. Above all else, marriage demands two partners who can love each other on their hardest, messiest days; nothing will make this clearer to you than the rug being pulled from under you.
