Copyright forbes
Some arguments matter more than others. Here are the three that, in a psychologist’s eyes, are always worth having — as well as what they can teach you. Over the past few decades, we’ve completely flipped the script on conflict in romantic relationships. It’s now both well-established and well-known that fighting with your partner isn’t a sign of doom. It’s actually a normal, healthy and even necessary part of a long-term partnership. On paper, we’re told that two partners airing out their differences and trying to find a way forward is one of the most mature things a couple can do. It’s what separates the surface-level relationships from the ones that actually stand a chance. But in practice — that moment where you realize you’re arguing with your partner — it’s hard to see it as mature or “healthy.” This is especially the case for couples who haven’t quite learned how to argue yet. For them, fights can make you question everything. However, if you and your partner can make it through the following three fights, you can likely make it through them all. Here’s why. 1. ‘Stupid’ Fights (That Aren’t Actually Stupid) Every couple has the odd little fight that seems totally pointless within the moment. They can manifest in countless different ways, including (but not limited to): Arguing about someone cheating in a board game Getting annoyed about being left on read Snapping over where or what to eat for dinner These are the kinds of arguments that, in hindsight, usually make you wonder, “Why on earth did we waste our energy on that?” And, indeed, on the surface, these arguments do sound quite silly. But most of the time, these fights aren’t actually stupid at all; they’re far from it. Nine times out of ten, they’re usually a cover for something else. MORE FOR YOU An argument where one partner is angry about being left on read, for instance, likely isn’t about texting at all. It’s more probable that the partner is actually feeling unprioritized or in some way or another within the relationship. Being left on read was just the catalyst responsible for making those underlying insecurities feel especially real. In these types of arguments, your and your partner’s goal shouldn’t be to just roll your eyes, call it a dumb fight and move on. Similarly, the goal isn’t to fix the “stupid” thing itself, either. Instead, one partner has to play detective and figure out what’s really bothering the other, underneath the silly facade. Why did this seemingly tiny issue hit a nerve? What might it really be about? What does my partner really want to say to me, but has been too afraid to until now? As soon as you learn how to look past the surface issue, the sooner you’ll start grasping what genuinely matters. Once couples learn when it’s necessary to look under the hood of these “stupid” fights, then they start to uncover what actually matters in a relationship. In turn, they start realizing that there’s unmet needs, fears and sensitivities they can tend to, which they wouldn’t have even thought to look for otherwise. 2. ‘Stalemate’ Fights You likely aren’t a stranger to the kinds of arguments that feel like dead ends. These are the fights where partners go round in circles, without finding a way out in time. Think of fights like: Ones where both of you are technically right Ones where both of you are being equally stubborn Ones that keep repeating because there’s no easy way to compromise These fights are tough precisely because there’s rarely a clear, cookie-cutter resolution. What makes matters worse is that, for most couples, these are also the kinds of fights that are nearly impossible to “just drop.” Both partners are so convinced of the merit of their own stance that they argue themselves in circles, until they’re too emotionally exhausted to keep going. The goal in these fights isn’t necessarily to solve the problem. Rather, it’s to remember to stay kind while you’re disagreeing with one another. Clearly, both of you care a lot about the issue, or it wouldn’t have escalated this far. The only way for things to cool down is if both people feel heard and understood, even if you still don’t see eye-to-eye. A 2016 study published in Communication Studies notes that frequent, high-threat arguments typically make partners feel less secure in their relationships. However, issues that seem solvable — or, at the very least, somewhat manageable — actually help to reduce that sense of relational uncertainty. In other words, even when an argument feels like it’s really serious, believing that you and your partner can resolve it will make a big difference in how stressful it feels. There comes a point where every couple has to learn that not every problem has a perfect solution — but you cannot afford to let it feel like this makes them threatening to your relationship. Even if you can’t find a fix (or even agree to disagree) things will end much cleaner if you can both stay kind, listen openly and treat each other with respect. You might not be on the same side of the issue at hand, but you still have to be on each other’s side. 3. ‘Stonewall’ Fights Finally, there are the arguments where one partner shuts down completely, and the other keeps pushing. These are generally rare in healthy relationships, but they can still happen. When they do, they typically look like: A fight where someone’s done something wrong and can’t handle the confrontation A conversation that hits a nerve or brings up something too painful to discuss A moment where one person gets so angry or overwhelmed that they just can’t function These fights can be terrifying. They can make it feel like something in your relationship has been irreparably broken. And as Drs. John and Julie Gottman have found in over forty years of research, consistent “stonewalling” during arguments (that is, emotionally shutting down and withdrawing from the conversation) is one of the four strongest predictors of divorce. As scary as this statistic sounds, it doesn’t make these kinds of reactions any less human. When emotions run high, your body can, quite literally, shut down. You might feel flooded with adrenaline, your heart racing, your thoughts blanking. You just can’t think straight, so you go silent. Or, in more heated cases, you leave the room to avoid saying something you know you’ll regret later — which, ironically, only makes your partner angrier. Contrary to what you might think, the goal in these nastier fights isn’t to avoid stonewalling altogether; in fact, a healthier version of it is encouraged. Since these are the kinds of fights where speaking from a place of anger can have real, lasting damage, recognizing when you need to take a break is vital. The key, however, is to make that break intentional and, above all else, mutual. Both of you need to acknowledge that things are getting too heated, agree to step away and promise to return once you’ve both cooled off. The real success here isn’t the pause itself. In reality, the real success is actually making good on the promise to come back to the conversation in good faith, once you’re both calmer and readier. These are the processes that help partners become more emotionally aware, more self-regulated and more capable of recognizing when it’s time to pull the handbrake. And, importantly, they prove to each other that they’re not worse off for being able to admit when they need some time apart. Instead, they learn firsthand that even the hardest of fights don’t have to be the end of their story. Do your relationship fights often go nowhere? Take this science-backed test to find out why: Ineffective Arguing Inventory Editorial StandardsReprints & Permissions
