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Key Points Emotional resilience helps children adapt to challenges and supports lifelong wellbeing. Key phrases for parents include validating feelings, expressing empathy and encouraging problem-solving. Avoid shaming, dismissive or blaming language, as it harms emotional development in children. Want to help your child handle life’s inevitable challenges? Or boost their mental health and wellbeing? If so, you might be interested in raising an emotionally resilient kid. Emotional resilience benefits kids in various situations and for their entire lives, even. Being able to bounce back after facing adversity, hardships or failures is something a lot of adults can’t even do all that well, so if you’re able to raise a resilient child, you’re surely doing something right. According to the American Psychological Association, “resilience” is the ability to adapt to difficult experiences with flexibility. It’s something you can teach, either through leading by example or direct actions. But not everyone is lucky enough to have this skill. Someone’s level of resilience can be affected by many factors, including their worldview, social resources and coping strategies. While raising a child with this mindset and skill may sound like a feat—and it’s not a one-and-done job—starting with key phrases is a solid and simple starting point. Ahead, psychologists further dive deeper into this topic and reveal 11 phrases to help you raise emotionally resilient kids—plus, phrases to avoid. Related: 6 Ways To Raise Emotionally Intelligent Children or Grandchildren What an Emotionally Resilient Child Looks Like In practice, an emotionally resilient child can typically do the following, psychologists say: Experience and sustain positive emotions Recover from emotional distress, which means not wallowing in emotions and not ignoring them, either Empathize with others Attune to and connect with others, sustaining intimate, lasting connections that can recover from ruptures Name, validate and work through emotions “Fall” and “get up” again Understand what’s happening, what their role is and act accordingly, either avoiding or being better able to solve a similar situation the next time “These abilities vary by age,” adds Dr. Juli Fraga, PsyD, a psychologist and the co-author of Parents Have Feelings, Too. “Of course, a three-year-old cannot do these things yet, but an adolescent certainly can. Young children need the presence of a caring adult/parent to help them regulate their emotions; they need ‘attunement’ to know they were not left alone to deal with painful emotions.” Otherwise, emotions can feel “radioactive,” leading kids to “block and bury” them with guilt, shame, anxiety, avoidance, self-blame and even substance use, she adds. Dr. Ioana Pal, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at Miller Children’s & Women’s Hospital in Long Beach, CA, delves more into why emotional resilience is so helpful and important. “Emotionally resilient children become emotionally resilient adults who can reflect before they react, who can help others, who can put themselves in someone else’s shoes, who can be flexible and compassionate and who can rise up and continue to achieve in spite of difficulties,” she says. Related: Parents and Grandparents Who Raise Independent Kids Often Do These 6 Things, According to a Child Psychologist 11 Phrases To Help Raise Emotionally Resilient Kids, According to Psychologists 1. ‘It’s okay to feel the way you feel. Emotions aren’t right or wrong.’ Making a child feel like they’re “overreacting” isn’t helpful. Emotions are normal and okay. Make sure they know that. “It’s important for kids and adults to know that emotions aren’t good or bad; they simply exist, just like thirst and hunger,” Dr. Fraga says. “This phrase teaches kids not to judge themselves for having feelings.” 2. ‘I’m here for you if you want to talk.’ This phrase helps more than you know. “Kids may not always want to hash out their feelings with their parents, but knowing a caregiver is there makes a world of difference,” Dr. Fraga says. “It helps kids not feel alone.” 3. ‘What can I do to support you right now?’ This one can be especially beneficial for older kids who like options. It’s an alternative to just jumping in or demanding they respond in a certain way. “They don’t want to feel intruded upon, and asking what they need invites them to problem-solve with you,” Dr. Fraga explains. Related: If You Heard These 9 Phrases as a Kid, Your Parent May Have Been Emotionally Unavailable 4. ‘I’m sorry that you’re feeling ______.’ Fill in the blank with whatever negative emotion they’re feeling, be it frustration, disappointment or something else. “Expressing empathy goes a long way, especially when the situation can’t be changed,” Dr. Fraga says. She gives examples of when to say this, including when a child didn’t make it onto a sports team or didn’t get into the college of their choice. 5. ‘This emotion won’t last forever, and you’ve got this.’ Help kids understand that they can tolerate negative emotions. “Words of encouragement can go a long way with older kids and teens,” Dr. Fraga says. “The reminder that emotions are temporary can provide great relief.” 6. ‘It’s okay to feel nervous; everyone does sometimes. Let’s think of what might help.’ Phrases like these emphasize not only emotional resilience but also emotional safety. “This shows children that emotions are normal and manageable, rather than something to fear,” Dr. Pal says. 7. ‘Let’s try it together, and then you can try on your own next time.’ As mentioned, kids can be emotionally resilient on their own, but they need support from their caregivers. A phrase like this can help. “This builds confidence and encourages autonomy to overcome challenges,” Dr. Pal adds. 8. ‘Maybe it didn’t work so well yet, but you’re closer than last time.’ Here, we see the growth mindset in action. A growth mindset is knowing that your success, actions and other qualities can change and improve. “This shifts focus from failure to progress,” Dr. Pal says. Related: Psychologists Are Begging Parents and Grandparents To Give These 10 ‘Growth Mindset’ Compliments to Kids 9. ‘I noticed how you kept trying to make conversation even when it was tough.’ This phrase also encourages a growth mindset, and it highlights the child’s strengths. “This reinforces effort, not just outcomes, and builds confidence,” Dr. Pal says. 10. ‘That was a tough situation. Can we talk about it together?’ If you want to validate your kid’s emotions and help them problem-solve, this two-sentence phrase is a great option. “This shows that it’s important to acknowledge what happened and that talking about it is OK; it is not shaming and can lead to growth,” Dr. Pal shares. Related: How to Validate Someone’s Feelings, According to a Clinical Psychologist 11. ‘What’s one small step you can take right now?’ Try this phrase when your kid has felt their feelings and is ready to move forward. It can promote cognitive flexibility. “This helps children regulate or co-regulate overwhelming feelings, and breaks challenges into smaller, manageable pieces or steps,” Dr. Pal says. Phrases To Avoid if You Want Your Kids To Be Emotionally Resilient Briefly, let’s talk about phrases that don’t help (especially since they can be surprising). Dr. Fraga shares which phrases to avoid below: “Don’t think about it.” — This devalues emotions and conveys that avoidance is how to cope. “Stop making a mountain out of a molehill.” — This is shaming and suggests that a kid is “bad” for experiencing emotions. “Knock it off, right now. Don’t be a drama queen.” — This judges a child for having emotions and shuts their feelings down. More generally, Dr. Pal advises against phrases that place blame on a defeated child or increase shame or guilt. Raising your voice is another thing to be mindful of, she adds, even if it’s well-meaning. Ultimately, parents and grandparents (and other people who work with kids) play a large role in helping kids develop and sustain emotional resilience. “Resiliency is like a gas tank that needs to be monitored and consistently filled in order to help day-to-day situations, but especially in challenging experiences,” Dr. Pal says. She believes that encouragement, modeling life skills and creating safe opportunities for growth help kids find their own emotional resilience and self-care. Up Next: Sources:
