Copyright Forbes
Often in life, when you are reaching for something big — a dream, a major life improvement or merely a version of yourself you wish to grow into — it can feel more terrifying than exciting. Growth, by nature, requires you to step into the unknown, which can stir up all kinds of fears. Before you know it, those fears can seep into your actions. You may find yourself delaying tasks, endlessly preparing or waiting for the “right moment” that never really comes. If you find yourself procrastinating on the goals that matter most to you, know that it’s rarely about laziness or a lack of willpower. One of the biggest reasons why you might struggle to take action toward what you truly want is because you’ve unconsciously tied your identity to your achievements. Without realizing it, you may begin to see your goals not just as milestones, but as a reflection of who you are. For instance, your mind may not perceive your promotion as just a career achievement, but also as proof that you are capable. In the same breath, you might consider your relationship as evidence for your worth, or your dream project as a litmus test for talent. In a 2019 study published in Environmental Research and Public Health, researchers wanted to know why some people are driven in their goal achievement by a desire to learn, and why others are driven by a need to prove themselves. They also wanted to understand how both approaches influence the strategies people use when they fear failure. After analyzing over a thousand students’ motivational “profiles,” they distilled a number of insights. MORE FOR YOU Most remarkably, they found that the students who had low self-esteem, meaning their sense of worth was fragile or dependent on success, were far more likely to use self-protective strategies when faced with potential failure. These strategies took two main forms: Self-handicapping. Students would subconsciously create excuses or obstacles (like procrastinating or not putting in full effort) so that if they failed, they could preserve their self-image by thinking, “I didn’t really try, so it doesn’t count.” Defensive pessimism. Using this strategy, they would lower their expectations and mentally prepare for the worst in hopes of cushioning the emotional blow if things didn’t go well. The study linked these patterns to how students approached achievement itself. Those who focused on learning goals (wanting to grow and master new things) tended to have healthier motivation and higher self-esteem. On the opposite end, those who were driven by performance goals (trying to look competent or avoid looking incompetent) were far more prone to these defensive patterns. The findings of this study serve as a reminder that when your sense of worth depends on achievement, failure stops being a learning experience and starts feeling like a personal threat. Eventually, it can even steal your sense of curiosity entirely, even if that means sabotaging your own success. Your Mindset Shapes Your Emotional Response To Setbacks The degree to which you let your success or failures define you is shaped by your mindset. People who hold a fixed mindset, the belief that intelligence or ability is unchangeable or fixed, are more likely to tie their self-worth directly to their achievements. To study this phenomenon more closely, a 2022 study published in Frontiers in Psychology surveyed 398 university students from the U.S. and Hungary, and measured their beliefs about intelligence (fixed vs. growth mindset), their self-esteem and their typical emotional responses to academic setbacks. The results showed that a fixed mindset did not directly cause negative emotions. Instead, it lowered self-esteem in response to failure, which then triggered feelings like shame, disappointment and hopelessness. Importantly, the pattern was consistent across both cultural contexts, suggesting that self-esteem plays a central role in shaping emotional reactions to failure regardless of whether the underlying motivation is individual achievement or meeting social expectations. The key takeaway from the study is that failure, on its own, doesn’t have to be a threat. It’s the meaning you attach to it that really determines what it will specifically come to mean. If setbacks become a reflection of someone’s worth, fear can easily paralyze action and fuel procrastination. The good news is that both mindset and self-esteem can be reshaped. By adopting a growth mindset — that is, seeing abilities as developable rather than fixed and practicing self-compassion and unconditional self-acceptance — almost anyone can successfully separate their sense of worth from outcomes. This allows failure to become a stepping stone for learning, rather than a reflection of who you are as a person. Change The Way You Perceive Failure It’s difficult not to fear failure, but it’s equally important to recognize that it is often essential. Sometimes, failure can be the most valuable part of one’s journey, as it’s often inseperable from process of learning something new. So, the next time you feel like like you’ve fallen short in a new challenge, try reframing your outlook on the situation. Instead of seeing it as a failure, look at it as the first round in a series of experiments that you’re testing out. A shift in perspective like this can transform setbacks into opportunities for discovery and growth. One practical way to build this is to adopt a beginner’s mindset. If you approach each task with the wide-eyed curiosity and openness of a first-timer, you stay focused on the process rather than worrying about proving yourself or measuring your worth by the outcome. Another reminder to give yourself is to avoid putting all your eggs in one basket. Instead of seeing achievement as “all or nothing,” consider the many ways you can cultivate fulfillment and progress in different areas of your life. On days when you feel off your game in one area, having other pursuits you are passionate about allows you to still experience growth and accomplishment. This could be a hobby, a side project, learning a new skill or contributing to anything else you consider meaningful. By diversifying the sources of your achievement, you reduce placing pressure to succeed in a single goal. In turn, you can maintain motivation, even on tougher days, and create a more balanced and resilient sense of self.
