Copyright forbes
Couples often believe that there are only two ways out of a fight: attack or defend. What few know, however, is that there’s a third, more effective option. A couple’s first fight almost always comes as an unpleasant surprise. It can have the same emotional impact as that of being doused with a bucket of icewater. As, for most couples, the first fight is usually the exact moment when the illusion of harmony shatters for good. Up until the first argument, some couples might assume that things will sail along smoothly, as they always have. They might even believe that “good” couples don’t argue, or that if you choose the right person as a partner, you’ll never really have to argue at all. Sooner or later, however, it becomes clear that there’s no real way to avoid conflict altogether. When these arguments occur, your instincts typically tell you to reach for one of two strategies: to either attack or defend. These are natural responses that stem from our fight-or-flight wiring. This means that they work well in protecting our egos, as that’s what evolution taught us to prioritize. But otherwise, they do very little for the health of your relationship. They might help you to “win” the argument, but you’ll lose in every other sense — especially in terms of what made the fight matter in the first place. For couples who genuinely want to come out of an argument stronger, these two options won’t do. According to a 2015 study published in the Journal of Family Psychotherapy, led by renowned relationship psychologist Dr. John Gottman, optimal argument outcomes come down to one thing: how early couples attempt to repair the situation. MORE FOR YOU What The Research Shows The primary purpose of the 2015 study, conducted at the Gottman Institute, was to analyze how newlywed couples handled conflict as a team. Overarchingly, the findings suggest that both the timing and the type of repair attempts were what made all the difference. Specifically, Gottman and his team found that the couples who made “pre-emptive repairs” were significantly more likely to successfully defuse the argument. These were the little attempts partners made to lighten the mood and alleviate tension during the discussion, specifically within the first three minutes of the fight. Couples who waited until what Gottman referred to as “the 11th hour” to smooth things over (that is, the last three minutes of the fight) had far less optimal outcomes. The types of repairs that succeeded most consistently were emotional, rather than logical. They relied on reestablishing an emotional connection, instead of rational problem-solving or persuasion. Put together, these findings suggest that couples won’t have much luck in arguments if they’re only concerned with winning, nor by trying to fix the problem right away. Instead, it means that, early on, partners must set — and keep — their sights on what they’re actually fighting for: each other. Here’s a breakdown of each of the most successful repair attempts that were made in the first three minutes of arguments, according to the study. 1. Shared Humor Laughing may feel like it’s the least appropriate thing to do during an argument, but the results of the study suggest otherwise. In fact, there’s decades worth of research that suggests humor to be one of the most reliable ways to restore warmth and positive affect mid-argument. What the 2015 study clarifies, however, is that it’s incredibly important for both partners to participate; a joke can only be effective if everyone is laughing. When both partners do manage to laugh, it injects a much needed sense of levity to an otherwise scary, stressful situation. The most reliable way to use this during an argument would likely be using a pre-existing inside joke, or by playfully making light of the situation itself. If your partner laughs, even slightly, you’ll both feel the tension diffuse instantly. The humor, of course, won’t erase the issue at hand, but it will make it easier to keep working on it together. 2. Affection Sometimes, what most of us want most during a is just the tiniest bit of reassurance. We want to know that, even though they’re angry at us, our partner still loves us. This is what makes affection, whether it’s verbal or physical, so useful in increasing positive affect during an argument. A compliment, a reassuring touch or even a statement like, “I’m frustrated, but I still love you,” are just a few of the best ways to show your partner that you’re coming from a place of love. It might not always feel like it during an argument, but these gestures can be a great reminder of it. 3. Self-Disclosure In more serious or heated arguments, injecting levity into the situation might not work as effectively as you initially hope. In these situations, a more effective alternative would be to focus instead on reducing negativity, rather than adding positivity. One of the most practical and helpful ways of achieving this would be through self-disclosure: explaining the thoughts you’re having during the argument or, if applicable, the reasons behind your negative behaviors that might’ve contributed to the onset of the argument. This tactic, in essence, prompts you to explain your behavior, rather than justify it. Imagine, for instance, that you’re in an argument about your tendency to be defensive. Instead of doubling down to defend your defensiveness, you might instead explain the habit: “I was feeling defensive because I was scared I’d let you down.” Not only is this honest, but it’s also highly useful information. This is the kind of vulnerability that has the potential to soften the entirety of the exchange to come. 4. Expressing Understanding and Empathy The most efficient way to be empathetic during an argument is to prove to your partner that you recognize their perspective. Even if you don’t necessarily agree with their argument, engaging with their point of view in good faith is a great exercise in both reflexivity and kindness. One of the best (and most common) opportunities to do this is when your partner explains how your behavior has hurt them. In these scenarios, it’s best to refrain from immediately defending yourself. Instead, try to recognize that intent doesn’t always match up with impact; you might not have meant to hurt them, but that’s still what the outcome was. From here, saying something along the lines of, “I can see why you feel that way,” or, “I probably would’ve felt the same if the roles were reversed,” can do wonders. It won’t take their pain away, but it will make your partner more open to problem-solving. 5. Taking Responsibility For Your Contribution If you know that you’ve played a part in the problem that led to the argument, owning it — even if it’s a ridiculously small part — can be surprisingly disarming. A vast majority of couples’ arguments involve wrongdoing on both sides. One partner may have done something wrong, while the other may have responded unfavorably. Regardless of the specifics, acknowledging these small mistakes are crucial. They’re the best way of reminding each other that neither of you are perfect, and it also prevents “holier than thou” or “high horse” rhetoric. Accountability can drastically reduce negative affect because it communicates both humility and good faith. What’s more notable, however, is that it’s a great way to model the behavior necessary for resolving the argument as a whole: when one of you takes responsibility, it usually encourages the other to do the same. 6. ‘We’re Okay’ Codes Finally, Gottman observed that the healthiest of couples tended to use what he called “we’re okay” codes. These are the small, couple-specific comments that partners use to reaffirm their strength as a duo. These might be as simple as complimenting how well they’re handling things together, or reminding each other of things like, “We’ll figure this out like we always do.” Expressions like the latter, in particular, are essential statements to add to your couples’ dictionary. These are the kinds of statements that encourage partners to maintain their us-versus-the-world mindset, even when times are tough. Do you and your partner fight like healthy couples do? Take this science-backed test to find out: Ineffective Arguing Inventory Editorial StandardsReprints & Permissions
