Copyright Forbes
In the third of this series, I have decided to write about something with which I struggle: weaponizing tuition to extract information from my first-year college student. Even though I have written about curiosity-centered questions as one vehicle for relating to my adult child, sometimes I drop the ball, get frustrated, and move to other, more coercive strategies, like - embarrassed to admit - weaponizing tuition. College tuition is one of the most significant financial investments parents can make in their adult child’s future. But when this investment is weaponized—as a threat or leverage to control the student’s major, social life, or personal choices, the purpose of college-going becomes corrupted. The parent-child relationship suffers as well. Weaponizing tuition changes a supportive partnership into a coerced transaction. It might gain short-term compliance but sacrifices independence and respect. The main argument against this controlling tactic is clear: it subverts the point of college. Higher education is not just a path to a degree. It helps adolescents become self-sufficient adults. On the one hand, this requires the adult child to be free to explore, make mistakes, and self-regulate. On the other, it requires the parent —and, in some ways, the institution and society —to suspend judgment while the adult child explores (i.e., why we send students who violate underage drinking policy to the dean’s office and not to the police). When students fear losing their support for every choice, they learn obedience, not independence. Furthermore, this coercion breeds toxic resentment and fosters secrecy. A student under financial duress will quickly learn to perform “compliance theater”—telling parents what they want to hear while conducting some aspects of their lives underground. This effectively blocks the parent from seeing genuine struggles (academic, social, mental) and may compromise the trust that is essential for a stable relationship, both during and after college. Tuition should be viewed as the definitive launch investment into the adult student’s adulthood, not an open-ended retainer for continuing the parent-as-authority-over child relationship. The greatest return on this investment is an independent, confident graduate, not a compliant, resentful dependent. MORE FOR YOU 5 Recommendations to Resist the Urge to Weaponize Tuition Parents often weaponize tuition out of a place of love, anxiety, and fear of wasted investment. The key is to replace the control mechanism with clear communication and a new framework for the relationship. 1. Shift from Compliance to a Consultative Partnership Try not to make demands. Instead, be a supportive consultant. Students are the CEOs of their education. Parents are the board members or investors. Ask for regular updates—like a weekly call to discuss workload or social issues—instead of waiting to interrogate. This frames your relationship around communication, not control. 2. Define Financial Expectations as a Contract, Not a Threat Before the adult child leaves for school, sit down and create a clear agreement about financial obligations and expectations. Discuss exactly what you will contribute financially, such as tuition and room and board. Define where the student responsible lies financially (e.g., books, personal spending, summer job contribution). Set clear conditions for when funding will be reviewed, like failing a class. This removes some emotion and sets objective, predictable boundaries. 3. Separate Emotional Support from Financial Decisions If students choose a major you dislike or has a lifestyle choice that concerns you, address those issues on their own emotional or philosophical merits, separate from the tuition discussion. Using the phrase, “We’re not paying for you to study art history!” conflates two different issues. Instead, articulate your concern (e.g., “I am worried about your job prospects and want to see a clear plan for your post-grad career”) and offer support (e.g., “Let’s find you a mentor in the field”). 4. Acknowledge and Encourage Productive Failure Minor setbacks often define the first year of college. Do not panic or retaliate financially. Treat failures like low grades or missed deadlines as learning opportunities. Ask open-ended questions such as, “What did you learn from that exam?” or “What steps are you taking to solve this problem?” Show that you value growth and resilience more than perfection. 5. Find Non-Financial Areas of Connection and Influence Reduce the influence of tuition by increasing non-financial connections. This means keeping in touch in low-pressure ways. Share articles, snap pics, talk about sports, send care packages, or read a book together. When the relationship is based on shared experience and affection, financial leverage weakens, and your guidance is more welcome.
