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If you have a problem that needs solving and you don't know where to turn, look no further. Every day, the Daily Star's very own agony aunt Jane O'Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice. From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn't slowing down. If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published. My boyfriend constantly finds excuses not to have sex with me. The other night I decided to be pro-active, yet again. I swallowed my pride and slunk into the bedroom in black lingerie and high heels. I was wearing a sexy cat mask and attempted to tickle him with a feather duster. He didn’t play ball…I handed him a glass of champagne, which he knocked back then called me ‘an embarrassment’. Before we moved in together in August, he was reluctant to stay over at my old place because he had a stressful job. He’d say that he had too much on his mind to relax and give me the sexual experience I deserved. I’d literally beg him for any kind of comfort, and he'd push me away. That hurt. When he suggested we get this new place together to save money, I leapt at the chance. I assumed that everything would change, and we’d finally be a proper couple, but it hasn’t worked out. He’s still avoiding me. On the first day in our new flat, he invited loads of people over for an impromptu party. I watched him down two bottles of red wine. By 2am he was completely out of it. He crashed onto the bed, fully dressed, and passed out. In the morning, he was an angry, hung over mess. He picked a fight, and I was left to unpack all the boxes on my own. The latest thing is that he’s got religion. He’s announced that it’s not right for us to get naked and be intimate because we’re not married. Yet any time I suggest setting a date and booking a church he accuses me of pressurising him. I can’t win. When will this misery end? How can he stand to continually reject and insult me? JANE SAYS: You deserve better. This is no way to live your life. From your partner’s excessive drinking to your sexual frustration and feelings of rejection, I can’t detect one good thing about this relationship. Maybe it does suit him to live with you in terms of sharing bills and convenience but where is the love, companionship or respect? Constantly knocking you back is insulting and cruel. You’re a human being in need of love and warmth not humiliation. I can’t help but feel he’s using you and that his mind is a million miles away. Talk to him away from the bedroom when he’s approachable and sober. Why does he avoid intimacy? Was he let down by adults as a boy? Is he confused about his sexuality? Is there someone else or is he simply not attracted to you? He sounds frustrated and conflicted. Is he angry with you, himself or other people in his life? You need to know the truth before you crumble because you won’t be able to tolerate this level of hurt and rejection for much longer. Can any of his friends or family shine any light on his true character? Insist he speaks to a health professional regarding his drinking and mindset while you consider your future. I feel that he’s draining you and destroying you and you’d be far better off as a single woman on your own terms. I’ve secretly been in love with a neighbour for three years. He has no idea that I like him because we never speak and I make it my business to keep out of his way. We’re both single so there’s absolutely no reason why we shouldn’t be together, but my crippling shyness has always made it impossible for me be flirty or casual. Now that I’m facing another winter on my own, I realise that I’ve wasted so much of my time. I regret allowing so many possibilities and moments of potential happiness to pass me by. How do I approach life a more confident and go-getting person? JANE SAYS: Try not to be so hard on yourself because shyness is a debilitating and very real condition. I suspect you’ve spent years protecting yourself from rejection; you really like your neighbour but worry that he’ll turn you down or even humiliate you. Consider this a turning point in your life. Focus now on your personal goals. If you suffer from a lack of self-worth, then would sports, or hobbies or volunteering help you to become a more confident and assertive person? Consider tips on improving your self-esteem, these include celebrating your successes (no matter how small); setting yourself challenges and not overstretching yourself. Fake it ‘till you make it. If you and your neighbour are to be together, then you can afford to be bold. He could be shy too. There’s no disguising the fact that I’m an unimaginative flop in bed. I have no killer moves and no body confidence. I enjoy being kissed and I love orgasming but am guilty of contributing next to nothing to the sexual experience. I feel awkward and ungainly. Most of the time I grit my teeth waiting for it all to be over. More than once my boyfriend has grunted: “You feel like a plank of wood”. But what can I do when I risk making myself look ridiculous and fake? I can’t pretend to be something I’m not, can I? JANE SAYS: Feeling self-conscious isn’t a crime, but your boyfriend must hear that you’re not being arrogant or even lazy. Talk to him away from the bedroom and explain that you hate feeling like this because you yearn to join in and please him too. Could you go back to basics with a shower, oily massage and some erotic literature before intercourse? If you endured an unpleasant experience with an ex-partner or feel you might be suffering from Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), then speak to your GP when the time feels right. You can also check out this condition on the Mind.org website for information and tips for helping yourself. I often feel overwhelmed and useless. I can’t switch off my brain or live in the moment. I fly into panics over the most stupid things and fear the worst. My partner keeps losing patience and ranting that not everything is about me. I get that, but can’t help feeling stressed, can I? JANE SAYS: No one deserves to suffer in silence, and a mental problem is just as valid and frightening as a physical one. Feeling stressed and overwhelmed is nothing to be ashamed of. Get the help you need before you sink any deeper. Be completely honest with your partner, GP and relatives and anyone else you speak to. Remember that you are not alone and you can always call The Samaritans (116 123) for a chat.
