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In Lalalaletmeexplain 's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading... Dear Lala, I’m writing to see if anyone has talked to you about this before or is this something you could talk about. I feel a little nervous and embarrassed though as I am a therapist so I really should know what to do. I’ve come out of an emotionally abusive long-term relationship. My partner cheated on me many times during our relationship. I kept forgiving him but the relationship suffered extremely. It got to a point that despite him cheating, he started to treat me with distance, neglect, dismissal, verbal abuse and would get intimate only to relieve himself-with sex lasting less than 2 minutes. In all of this his dad was supportive, kind, funny, exciting. But never in an inappropriate way. When I told him about the cheating he was even more supportive. He recently told me he has feelings for me. I really enjoy talking to him and have started imagining what if we did start getting to know each other romantically? I know my feelings for him have nothing to do with my ex but it would be so complicated. For context, I’m 38 and he is 56. What should I do? Lala Says, Your ex-partner put you through hell. It must have been so difficult to deal with his disrespect, abuse, and cheating for such a long time. When we exit relationships like that it can take a long time to find ourselves again. He has intentionally been shattering your self-esteem, making you feel like you are worthless and turning you into a shell of yourself. It's no wonder that you're in a vulnerable state and that the offer of connection, feelings, and safety feel appealing right now. It's a shame that the person offering that is his dad. It's important to note that parents aren't always to blame for their adult children's behaviour. There are many abusive people who have non-abusive parents. Not everyone who is abused will go on to abuse, but lots of abusive people have learnt their behaviour. Lot's of them have grown up in households where they watched Dad mistreat Mum or where parental addiction or mental health issues contributed to their negative behaviour in adulthood. I guess what I am saying is, someone created and raised this man who treated you so badly, and it would not be a complete reach to wonder how much his dad's influence is linked to who he is now. His dad is being supportive and saying the right things but that doesn't really mean anything. It could be genuine, it could just be words. People can be charming and say the right things and it's not until you're in a relationship with them that the mask comes off. Family relationships can be incredibly complex and sometimes it is very sensible and reasonable to cut ties with your own adult children. But dad's willingness to get with his own son's ex is also a potential huge red flag. His son sounds like a nightmare, but to be willing to betray him in this way might give an indication of pretty sinister behaviour by this man. Is he in competition with his son? Has he always been willing to throw his son under the bus like this? If he was like this during his son's childhood it might explain why his son is such a mess now. You say that your feelings for him have nothing to do with your ex, but I think it would be difficult for them not to, after all, your emotional landscape has been shaped by deep rejection, betrayal, and neglect. When someone, especially someone connected to the source of that pain, shows you warmth, consistency, and validation, it can feel like a safety net. It’s not that your feelings aren’t real, they’re human. But they may also be a trauma response, your nervous system reaching for safety and repair in the most familiar context available. His kindness feels healing because it contrasts so starkly with the cruelty his son subjected you to. That doesn’t mean you’re genuinely compatible or that this relationship would be healthy. Therapists need therapy too, and I think it would help you a lot right now. You need a space to process the ending of the relationship and you need to start a clean slate. If you don't have children together it would probably be better to reduce contact with his family unless it's necessary. We often turn to the people close to our abusers because we want to keep that connection, we want to find solace in their support, but it can hold us in a place that makes it difficult to move on. And honestly, if this ever came out it would probably cause you major drama. It could get extremely messy. Your ex could use it to paint himself as the victim, his family would likely splinter, and you’d be in the middle of it all. Do you really want to be your ex’s stepmum? Even if the feelings are genuine, the fallout would be immense. You’ve already endured enough emotional chaos and you don’t need more. Right now, the best thing you can do is pause. Don’t act on these feelings. Step back from both of them and focus on rebuilding your sense of self, your confidence, and your peace. I would stay away from men and dating until time has created some distance from it all and until you've had some therapy. There are millions of men out there, if you truly feel ready to date now then do it, just not with your abusive ex’s dad who may well have played some part in creating the monster your ex turned out to be. Absolutely not worth the risk.
