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If you have a problem that needs solving and you don't know where to turn, look no further. Every day, the Daily Star's very own agony aunt Jane O'Gorman is on hand to tackle your issues and concerns with some straight-talking but sound advice. From bedroom confessions to self-confidence issues , drug use and everything else, Jane has helped thousands of Daily Star readers over the years and isn't slowing down. If you want help, you can write to Just Jane, Daily Star, One Canada Square, London, E145AP or email jane.ogorman@reachplc.com. Please note that Jane cannot respond to individual letters and not all problems will be published. My husband is insisting we raise his secret love child as our own. The mother – his ex-mistress – can’t cope. She’s moving abroad to live with another man she’s met online. The child is in nursery school and well settled in our neighbourhood. My husband says it would be a crime to deprive the girl of everything she knows. Besides, he wants her around to love and look after. That’s all very noble, but what about me? My children (17 and 18) from my first marriage are about to leave home. I thought this was my time. I thought we were going to go on fabulous sexy holidays and, maybe, even swing a bit... My ultimate fantasy. I have my hobbies, friends and volunteering to keep me busy. I live a rich and varied life. I’m not interested in starting all over again, especially when I’ve never met the child and she isn’t even related to me. I only found out about my husband’s affair and secret child when a bitchy neighbour (accidently on purpose) let the truth slip during a boozy street party. My man is lazy around the house and I’m convinced that I’ll end up doing the lion’s share of the work regarding the girl. Why should I put myself out? I’m sure she’s a decent kid but I know she’s had a rough ride and simply don’t see how this is my problem. My husband is daring to call me ‘selfish and cold’, which isn’t helping much either, considering all the heartache he’s already put me through. JANE SAYS: The happiness and wellbeing of a vulnerable little girl is at stake here. You’re not an unkind woman, but having your husband’s ‘love child’ thrust upon you doesn’t seem fair or well thought through. I get the impression that your husband is attempting to ride this out with bravado and an: ‘It’ll all be fine’ attitude. But this is his problem, and he needs to have it pointed out to him that he must take full responsibility for the girl. If you were – hypothetically – to offer a home, then how would it work? How does your husband propose to balance his time and work and pitch in? Are there other relatives or friends on the mother’s side who could offer support and commit to helping too? Ultimately you must consider your limits because this is your time now. You’ve worked hard and raised children of your own. It’s not for your husband to pile on any amount of emotional blackmail when you’re an innocent bystander. The best outcome for the child must be considered and if you’re a reluctant or angry surrogate parent, then that won’t be in her best interests either. It might well be that you must contemplate walking away and leaving your husband to single parent his own child. No one is entitled to make you feel guilty or responsible if your own mental health and physical health are going to be negatively impacted. Also consider your heart; what if the mother eventually decides to come back and claim your husband and the child? Where would you be left then – especially if you and the child have developed a close bond? Does your husband need to get social services involved? Would he benefit from support from an outside agency? Keep talking and don’t rule anything out. My partner loves to brag. I’m constantly reminded that he went to university whereas I left school at 16. Yet I’m the one who now earns the money and keeps the home afloat. He hasn’t worked for years after losing thousands of pounds to an old college friend fraudster. But that doesn’t stop him from loudly expounding his political and economic views while I run my job and the home. I recently hurt my foot, and he was useless. This painful episode has opened my eyes to his failings. I can no longer view him as an eccentric genius but as user and a loser. We don’t even have sex. JANE SAYS: You are practical and hardworking. It sounds like your partner has been trading on his former glories for years. Graduating from university must have been a wonderful experience, but what successes has he enjoyed since? His may well be clever, but if he is guilty of looking down on you, then you’re in the wrong place. Sit him down and explain that you haven’t been impressed by his performance over these past few weeks. He’s not superior to you in any way because you’re equals. Is he willing or able to change? Is he capable of respecting you for the successful and self-motivated person you are? If he’s not, then I fear you’ve outgrown him. My boyfriend made no mention of the fact he actively sleeps around – with anyone - when we first met. I naturally assumed that I was his only lover. Now I’ve discovered that there are other men and women he beds on an ad hoc basis. I’ve told him that I don’t approve but he claims it’s not a problem because he always uses protection (i.e. a condom). How do I make him understand that it’s not just the physical act I object to? What about emotions? I was beginning to fall in love with him but no longer know where I stand. JANE SAYS: Your boyfriend should have been honest from the start. I’m afraid the: ‘Oh, you didn’t ask’ response doesn’t wash. Clearly, he’s now trying to brazen things out, but if you don’t like the way he operates, then you need to tell him ‘goodbye’. Of course, it’s imperative that he always uses a condom, but mature relationships are about emotional as well as physical needs. You never agreed to share and now his omission has caused you to lose faith. Don’t sell yourself short but do get your sexual health checked out as soon as you can. You are entitled to stick to what you believe in. I recently flew to Spain with my new bloke. My neighbour kindly offered to take care of my daughter (9) for the week. I assumed it was a treat. Now I’ve received an itemised bill for everything from food and washing to electricity. She’s even added a £10 supplement for general ‘wear and tear’. How dare she? JANE SAYS: Oh dear, what a shame you didn’t establish ground rules before you flew. Now you’ve been handed a detailed list of spends by your neighbour and you’re reeling. All you can do is get back to her and see if you can negotiate. Don’t be tempted to lose your rag or fall out with her, because you live alongside each other. Can you pay off in instalments? Can she cut certain costs?
