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In Lalalaletmeexplain 's hit column, readers ask for her expert advice on their own love, sex and relationship problems. With over 200k Instagram followers, Lala is the anonymous voice helping womankind through every bump in the road. An established sex, dating and relationship educator, she’s had her fair share of relationship drama and shares her wisdom on social media to a loyal army of followers. Every week thousands turn to her to answer their questions (no matter how embarrassing), and her funny, frank approach to love and relationships has made her the ultimate feel-good guru. For this week's column, simply continue reading... Dear Lala, I’ve recently got myself in a new relationship, or probably more of a “situationship”. It’s basically just regular intimacy. Although the sex is good, at times I find myself tolerating his wants and pretending to enjoy it “rough” because I know he enjoys it which ultimately leaves me feeling like I have to act a certain way or else he’ll perceive me as “boring”. However, I stressed clearly to him that I’d missed my pill for four days and although I may have still been okay, I made it clear to him that he had to wear a condom this particular night. He did up until a certain point when he took it off, resulting in me having to take the morning after pill. A year ago I had an abortion and was completely let down by my partner at the time, and now I feel something similar is happening again, so I feel like I’ve completely gone backwards and I can’t trust men anymore. Have I just picked the wrong guy here or is this a me problem? Lala Says, I am so sorry that this happened to you. By taking the condom off mid-act without your consent, when you had clearly voiced that you did not consent to sex without a condom, he committed a criminal act and you could report him for rape. Within UK law it is illegal to remove a condom without consent. It is effectively prosecuted as the offence of rape under the Sexual Offences Act 2003. The maximum sentence is life imprisonment, but as it is at the lower end of the harm and aggravating factors scale, he would probably get around three years if he was convicted. Taking a condom off without consent is rape and it is a serious breach of your bodily autonomy and a complete violation. This is not a ‘you’ problem, data is limited, but 43% of women in one study said they had experienced stealthing by a male partner. It is scarily common, particularly in casual encounters. This is a ‘him’ problem, he puts his own desire and need for control over your right to choose what happens to your own body. He was already doing this by manipulating you into feeling like you had to go along with rough sex that you didn’t like just to please him and keep him. Everything you have said about this man shows that he is sexually harmful and dangerous. Men like this warp our sense of reality, they are never just straight up nasty and abusive, they are often charming and sexy and they draw you in with hot and cold behaviours that make vulnerable and lonely women want to do anything they can for their attention, and then they exploit that by coercing women into sex they don’t even want or enjoy. You can report him to the police or you could get some support and advice from Rape Crisis to help you decide what to do next. Whatever you decide to do, I would urge you not to see him again. Block, delete, and move on in the strongest terms. He is a danger to your safety and well-being. Having to take the morning after pill is no small thing, and it only works if you haven’t yet ovulated, so it’s not a guaranteed method of preventing pregnancy. Plus it can mess up your hormones and cycle for a little while. It’s well worth taking it if necessary, but it isn’t just some minor casual thing and we should minimise how bad it is that someone has forced the need for us to take it. This feels like a ‘you’ problem because men keep letting you down and screwing you over. You didn’t cause that, they did. They chose to do it. But it is worth looking at your own patterns and vulnerabilities and trying to see if you can work on the part that is making you tolerate less than you deserve because you want to keep men in your life. Therapy is the key to this. Find a therapist who can help you unpick your patterns with men and where they began. And know that staying single until such time that you feel confident and have higher self-esteem will only be a positive thing. You won’t be missing out on anything. Dating men can feel impossibly hard, especially right now, when red-pill rhetoric and misogyny influencers are on the rise. Misogyny runs through the fabric of dating culture, shaping how so many men see sex, power, and women’s boundaries. We literally have to date our only predators, trying to find the safe ones among them. It’s not all men, but it’s a lot of them, enough to make dating feel unsafe and exhausting. Women have had to develop emotional and physical armour just to pursue love. We learn to second-guess ourselves, to downplay harm, to rationalise things that should never need rationalising. But all of those things make us less safe. We need self-confidence and clarity about what we will accept. Don’t let the actions of men who treat women badly make you believe there’s something wrong with you. You’re not too sensitive, too needy, or too boring, you’re reacting like any human would to being violated and disrespected. You don’t owe men your gentleness, your patience, or your body in the hope that one of them might finally be decent. There are absolutely loads of lovely men around, but pursuing your own peace and self-love will take you further in life than pursuing men will. Hold your boundaries, hold your power, and remember, choosing yourself is never a loss. Choose yourself first and then good things will follow. Whether that includes a good man in the future or not doesn’t matter, choose happiness, solidarity, friendship, peace, joy and yourself. Get the therapy, block the man, and do you.
